It would be worth the effort for all parents to find better ways of helping children learn proper behavior. It is especially important for you as Professional Parents. Why? Because many of our children have already been victims of serious abuse. These children need a family relationship which is healing. They need to learn that you are adults who will take care of them and not harm them. They need to learn that you are going to react differently than their parents did. If they do not learn this, they may provoke you into abusing them in the same way their parents did. They are not being intentionally perverse. They are responding to a drive which in psycho-analytic terms is called repetition compulsion.

     Repetition compulsion describes a tendency most people have to repeat certain patterns of behavior. Children who have been abused seem driven to relive their past. They provoke people into treating them just as their parents did. The reasons for this are complex. In oversimplified terms, these troubled children recreate the very situations which have frightened them, hoping this time they will be less frightened. This time maybe they will get it right. Originally they may have felt completely helpless. Now they are trying to get more control over what happens to them. This is an emotional and not a conscious process. No one can be talked out of it. No one should be blamed for it. If you react as the parents did, the child will not be learning anything different. It is the change in your reaction which will bring about change in children's behavior. You teach children to behave differently by not giving the same unsatisfactory responses they have learned to expect.

     Some foster parents have tried to justify physical punishment because with some children it seems to be the only language they understand. That may be so, but it is our job to teach them new ways. If you do resort to physical punishment, the danger of losing control and hurting children physically is great. The danger of hurting them emotionally is even greater.

     This does not mean children should be left undisciplined. Reasonable discipline can help children feel safe, more self-assured and freer to work out their personal problems. Children are more comfortable when they know what is expected of them.

     All children try to test limits. Children who have suffered broken ties are apt to test even further. In addition, when children are placed in foster care, they may regress and their behavior become worse. It is not possible to correct everything at once. It is a good idea to decide on some basic house rules. Hopefully they will be very few and very clearly stated. Some families have found it very helpful to post the rules in a prominent place.

     Children have been found to be more cooperative if they can help in establishing the rules. Many of them enjoy making the posters themselves. Posters can be changed when a new need becomes evident or when certain tasks have been mastered.

     There are certain behaviors of children which are very common, but not always freely talked about. Just knowing how common they are can help you get a better perspective and feel less overwhelmed. Remember, the first step in helping others is to get our own feeling as much under control as possible.

     Let us consider some of the problems which other foster parents have found most frustrating. As we consider them, try to keep three important little words in mind: KEEP IT SIMPLE.

     Bed wetting: There are many theories about causes of bed wetting and what should be done about it. Those parents who have the least trouble with this problem seem to be those who merely state they are sorry the child has this problem but they know it will be over in time. Until then, the child is to take responsibility for changing the sheets. If too young to do this, the child may be old enough to at least remove the wet sheets and take them to the laundry area. (Even very little tykes can do that.) Some parents have been able to successfully make suggestions like, By your birthday you will probably stop wetting the bed.

     The more you stay out of the matter, the better it will be. Assuming the child is physically in good health, we can also assume that when he is able to stay dry, he will. In the meantime there is no sense in wasting time, effort, and energy in letting yourself become exasperated about a problem you cannot control. Be assured the child wants the comfort of a dry bed as much as you do.

     Soiling: This problem is far more devastating to parents and it is far more common than is generally talked about. Because this is a problem which is so disturbing to parents, some children have learned to use it as a means of showing anger, or to work up parents and see their reaction. Children who feel they have had so little control over what happens to them may use this to get a sense of power. If carried to an extreme, this can be a sign of severe disturbance. But before jumping to that conclusion, it would be better to try the same approach we discussed regarding bed wetting. Try telling the child you are sorry about this problem; you are sure it will pass. In the meantime, it is the child's responsibility to keep clean, rinse soiled clothing, and not offend others by this habit. Stay out of the problem as much as possible. If there is an element of attention getting in this behavior, your apparent lack of response is the best antidote.

     Stealing: Almost every child tries stealing at least once. Some take much longer to learn this is not tolerable behavior. Some children who have lived in institutions or in large families where clothing and toys and other articles were shared by a number of other children, take longer to learn they cannot just pick up and use things belonging to others. The best way to handle the problem is to keep it simple. The child must know that a stolen article must be returned; you do not like his taking things, and you hope it will not occur again. If you are firm in your conviction, you will be understood. There is no need for long lectures. With some children, getting over a habit of stealing may take a long time. Sooner or later if the child is not allowed to keep stolen articles, he or she will learn that it is not worth the trouble.

     Some parents have found it helpful to make a rule that children are not to bring anything home which has not been purchased. When necessary this can mean not allowing children to trade or borrow things from friends.

     Lying: If you are sure your child is lying, there is no point in putting that child on the spot by asking whether he or she is lying. Sometimes what seems like lying to an adult is merely the reflection of the way a child sees things. Some children with vivid imaginations have a difficult time separating fact from fantasy. In such cases you might talk these matters over and help the child learn the difference between real and pretend stories. But if you are certain the child is telling out and out lies, it would seem best to state you know the child is lying, you do not like it, and you hope it will not occur again.

     Toilet talk: Most children go through a stage of using toilet talk. They like to try the words and giggle over daring to do so. Many soon find they can get a reaction from adults with these words. The milder your reaction, the sooner the stage will be over. Give a brief explanation that such words are not used in polite company and you hope the child will not continue to use them.

     Sex play: While today's attitude toward sex is somewhat more casual than in the past, most parents still find themselves much more upset than they thought they would be when they find their children involved in sex play. This can be especially troublesome if your foster child has a history of having been sexually abused, or if the history indicates the parents were promiscuous. It is important to remember sex play is a normal part of children's development and they should not be made to feel there is something wrong with them because they are normally curious. Nevertheless, such behavior is not socially acceptable and you do not want other parents to refuse to let their children play with yours. Keep the children reasonably busy and do not let them play unsupervised for long periods.

     Seductiveness: All children need affection Foster children who have been deprived of a normal amount of affection may have an even greater need. In their effort to get this affection, they may behave in ways which are seductive. It is very important to teach these children appropriate ways of getting the love they seek. This can call for real frankness and discretion on your part. It is very appropriate to hug children and to kiss them lightly. Children need such touching. Prolonged kissing or fondling is not appropriate. Such behavior can be overstimulating and confusing to children.

     Sometimes a child's seductiveness can cause problems between parents. If either of you is made uncomfortable by such behavior, be sure to discuss it with the other. Some parents have been reluctant to do so in order not to appear childish or overly suspicious or petty. It is none of these. Airing your feelings with your worker can help. This is a very important matter to discuss openly. Not to do so can make it impossible for you to continue to care for a child.

     The basic principles involved in dealing with behavior problems are the same regardless of the problem. Children need to know what behavior is expected of them and what is not acceptable. They need to know that you intend to help them achieve the necessary controls over their behavior. They need to know they cannot use undesirable behavior to get you worked up.

     KEEP IT SIMPLE. Always try the simplest means first. It may save you many hours of heartache and headache. It will make your job easier and enable the children to invest their energy into working out some of their conflict.

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